Mending in the Mountains

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The weekend before starting chemo I had the opportunity to attend a retreat put on by the Cancer Support Community of Montana in Big Sky, MT. Around 50 cancer survivors from across Montana attended. I met several other women with breast cancer but also women living with kidney, ovarian, leukemia and other cancers.  

The weekend was a perfect opportunity for connection, learning, healing and sharing in a beautiful setting. There were education sessions on exercise and nutrition; a keynote speaker who led us through a grounding exercise; yoga; an amazing sound bath; and a hike beginning atop Lone Mountain (elevation 8,800) and descending the mountain to the base camp.  

All the women were incredibly friendly and open about sharing their cancer experience. Nearly every introduction began with someone asking you your name, where you lived, your diagnosis, and where you were with your treatment.  

I came into the weekend still experiencing a lot of doubt and conflict with my decision to do chemo. That uncertainty dissipated within minutes of arriving at the retreat. I happened to sit next to a woman at dinner who shared her story with me. She was diagnosed with Stage 1A breast cancer and had no lymph node involvement and a very low oncotype score. Chemo was not part of her original treatment plan. A year after her diagnosis, she felt a lump in her armpit. Further testing revealed that she had five lymph nodes to which the cancer had spread. She is now battling cancer for a second time with a much more intensive treatment regimen.  

Her story immediately convinced me to fully embrace my treatment plan. I needed to take advantage of every tool possible to beat this thing. Being at peace with the decision so soon after arriving at the retreat allowed me to let go and move on from continuing the internal debate as to whether it was the right choice or not. I was able to let go of my test scores and stop doing the math and looking for a correlation between my diagnosis and the existing research and data.  

Nearly half of the women I met at retreat had some form of recurrence or metastasis. I don’t want to gamble with the odds. There is of course still a chance of recurrence even with doing chemo, but I will have the peace of mind in knowing I did everything possible to beat it.  

While I’m at peace with my decision, I still have plenty of fear and apprehension about starting treatment. I’m bracing myself for the worst of the side effects: nausea, pain, fatigue, hair loss, mouth sores, bone pain, etc.; while hoping my body will surprise me with its strength and resilience. I’m choosing to trust that chemo will do its job of fighting the cancer and I will do my job of healing my body through rest, nutrition, movement and hydration. I was so motivated by strength of the women I met this weekend. I was grateful to be in their presence and take comfort in knowing that I’m not alone on this journey.  

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